June 10th, 2002

cap, captain miss america

(no subject)

i don't know.

it seems every time i turn away and spend time doing something else, my 'netfriends all have bad things happen. and then i feel guilty because i wasn't there for them to talk to or to at least know what's going on and i feel stupid and out of the loop and i don't wanna be pushy and say "oh, now i have time for you, won't you let me back in, yeah yeah?"

people are not just entertainment.

it's so easy to get lost.

i feel exhausted. drained. i am not moving inside. and yet i feel like i have nothing to show for it. i have solved some problems, made some small strides, but all for myself, not for anyone else.

maybe i am truly afraid of people. or maybe i'm afraid for people. maybe i'm afraid that things that include me won't be perfect, and so i reject them outright because rejecting is something i can control. if i say no and get none then i've controlled it. i don't want to play and do a half-assed job; i'd rather drop it outright.

maybe my stomach is growling.

i want to care so much.
cap, captain miss america

(no subject)

hi all.

i finally bit the bullet.

i deleted five friends.

now, no one did anything to upset me or misuse me. i don't really post friends-only entries because i wouldn't be keeping an online journal if i didn't want the world to see my thoughts. so if i deleted you, please feel welcome to continue to read my journal if you are so disposed. i harbor no ill-will. i just...need to concentrate on the people who i really care about, who my heart goes out to when they are sad or who make me giggle inside when they are happy. some people who aren't close friends...i can manage to read their posts once in a while and i am truly interested, but i feel guilty when i find out that some of the people online who i care about most are going through bad times and i miss their posts.

i didn't pare down the list enormously; this might even sound petty. it was hard enough to drop anyone at all. but i'm using this as a communique, and i want to be able to transmit and receive and know the message is loud and clear on both ends.

anyone I know through KiSS is still there. anyone from sheroes and/or DoTG is still there. anyone from RL is still there. a couple people who are reminders that things that happened years ago aren't dreams are still there. one or two people i met through live journal have captivated me enough to keep you. but for the most part that's who i deleted. i didn't create this to make friends, and i want to make sure i keep the ones i have.

cheery-o. this was hard. but i can't be caring intensely about people i don't know right now.