August 19th, 2003

cap, captain miss america

cleaning and skinniness

So my apartment is about 1/3 of the way cleaned. There is still a HUGE stack of crap in the middle of the room, and the sofa is covered with Mikey's clothes, which need to be bagged. I'm not sure where to put the bags, though-- Sweetie, do you know when they're coming with the van?

The entryway, where my computer is, is entirely cleaned, other than the random boxes that need to be cut up and thrown out. I think I managed to get everything onto the bookshelves, too. So now tonight I think I'm gonna clean up the bedroom area and then leave the main space for when that's done. And laundry. Need to do laundry.

I accidentally left the drain pug out of the kitchen sink, leaving my sink to get clogged. Which means I have to re-clean my sink. Blargh.

And my muscles I think are the sorest they've ever been. I have these two ugly matching bruises on my upper arms and they ouchy. Also on my hipbones.

Something I've noticed about being thinner-- I have these new, funny, second points on my elbows that I don't recall having hand before. Weird new bones. I would be more interested in them, only bending my arms hurts at the moment. I'm also pretty close to needing to go out and buy new pants again. My sixes are still fitting okay, but my eights are falling off now. When I was at my parents' house this weekend, I tried on my mom's clothes from high school-- this is one of those things I use to gauge how big or little I really am. They have no sizes in them cause she cut the tags out, but most of them never fit me when I was a high schooler. All of them did, including one pair of pants that had never fit me before.

I feel kind of weird about the whole thin-ness thing. I'm not attempting to lose weight, I'm not starving myself, but it's true I don't eat much. Eating means getting up from the computer! However, I was never a big eater, and I never lost weight before. I'm now down to 124, I don't feel unhealthy, I look fairly good, if a bit pointy, though I must say being skinny makes you get ouchy sometimes because your bones are closer to the things that bump them. Since I'm terribly out-of-shape, I still have flab, which is kind of funny. I feel stupider having flab at a size six than I did at a size 10, and it kind of makes me want to exercise, but I'm afraid I would wear away into nothing!

It's a weird feeling, because I don't exactly want to be so skinny, but you know how it is, we live in an era when "you've lost weight" is analogous to "i love you," and everyone I see greets me with such gushing praise, as if I won a Pulitzer or something. I just lost weight, my god, nothing I want to accomplish has anything to do with weight at all anyway. And I don't want to explain to people that I'd probably like to be back up at maybe 130, 135. On the other hand, I do have a sort of morbid curiosity about what I would look like if I were very skinny-- new bones protruding and all kind of makes it this interesting thing I've never seen before. Oh well, I'll drink my sugar-water and let nature decide what the hell she's doing with me.

I need food. I'm a bit wary about going to the grocer quite yet because of the blackouts-- I want to make sure the food I buy isn't going to go old in a day or two because it was left without cold for so long. I could buy dry goods, but I want ice cream and pierogies, and I'm afraid if I go get them now, they'll all be refrozenish. And yeah. I need to go anyway, I have one box of rice pilaf and one can of soup. I do have pasta, but I have nothing to put on it and protein is important. I got a new toaster, so I can finally eat my Pop Tarts, but, well, I don't think Frosting counts as a nutritional supplement.

Gonna put on my headphones, tune stuff out.