tea berry-blue (teaberryblue) wrote,
tea berry-blue

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All the time in the world

I am not good at making up my mind for myself. It's funny, in a way, but I tend to wait for other people to tell me what to do and just go along with it. I don't think this is a particularly bad thing, and it's not like I go along with things I don't want to do or anything; I think in most circumstances, it's just that I, well, like most things and don't mind most others. I have very few strong feelings about things, I guess.

What's funniest about this is that I was constantly told as a child and teenager that my feelings were too strong, that I was inflexible, that I didn't take other people into account. I'm not sure if I really did, ever, or if I just adapted based on what people told me about myself or something. But I really tend to just go with the flow.

Anyway, after my lease runs out in Cambridge, I am not going to have a flow to go with. In some ways it's scary and in others it's sort of exciting. I actually have infinite options open to me. And no one is telling me what to do or which to take. I've never had that before. There's always been someone telling me or suggesting to me or urging me in one direction or another. I'm sure I'll get that by the time I narrow things down, but for now, it's like, well, I could really do anything.

So I'm trying to plan shit. I have some smaller, short term plans for the summer which involve:

--Taking bartending classes
--Taking driving classes
--Going to England

These, too, are subject to change, other than the last one, of course. But I might end up in Europe sooner or stay later. Who knows?!

Then I have no plans. Not a one. So I have been thinking of places to go. I really need to see more places that aren't on the East Coast of the US.

Here are the possibilities so far:

--San Francisco
--Somewhere else

Yeah, I know, that's kind of all over the place. There are a lot of pros and cons to consider with each one, and I'll spare you all the listmaking. The thing of it is, I really want to see lots of places, and live in them, you know get familiar with them. I think it's something I need to do if I'm going to be a writer. I need more experiences to draw on.

There's also the possibility of going and chilling with my parents. This, of course, is dependent on whether they have a house. The option is enticing, because it means free room & board and food and utilities, but I don't think I could handle my father for more than a few weeks. I love my dad to pieces, but he's so idiosyncratic that he's hard to put up with on a regular basis.

And I might see if my brother wants to come. That would mean having someone to live with, but bringing Nate is tempting fate that Hannah might show up, as well, and I can cope with Hannah in, oh, doses of about three hours in length. Sometime I should write up a post about Hannah because my brother has the most fucktarded girlfriend ever in the history of the world.

I am also re-thinking the going back to school thing. I was looking into it a year ago, and then made a conscious choice not to do it. This is because I could not find a writing program that really offered the kind of course I was looking for. That means that, in terms of my own writing, I am really on my own for education. However, I am strongly considering trying to find a program in television writing. I think this might solve all the problems with what I want to do. I want to be a writer, but I hate being in a solitary work environment. I just don't do well sitting alone in front of a computer all day with no one else to talk to. I could handle it if there were other people around, and while I'm proud that I finished my book, well, doing it once, I can't see mself doing this forever unless my situation changes drastically. I want to be writing, but I want to be doing it with other people, think-tank style. That's how television is done, so I'm thinking that's the place for me. I need to start looking into that. I'm not sure who would be able to give me advice about it.

Whatever I do, I will absolutely have to be working. Not only because I need the money, but because wherever I go, I'm not going to have people around whom I know. I need people around. Living without people has been hard enough for me, and while I wouldn't room with someone I don't already know, I know I need regular people-contact. Which is another decision. Taking a day job is taking a day job. Bartending, which is probably more my speed, means working nights, which kills potential writing time-- writing by myself and with other people-- unless, of course, I bartend in England.

Ugh, this is getting long. I have loads more to say on the subject. I'm just trying to sort it all out in my head. And you know, I'm surprisingly serene about all this. usually big, life-altering shit has me in tears. So far I'm just apprehensive and excited.
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