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cap, captain miss america
i am sleepy. i don't feel really shitty though, just sleepy. not falldown tired, not migrainey, and not the way i feel at night when i'm up too late.

last night wasn't really cathartic but growing up is hard. i thin i'm doing a pretty good job of being a grownup, i just have to figure out what grownup i want to be. i have a real job, i work my butt off, but i feel like i am accomplishing little or nothing. i'm not writing. all i'm doing is marking time and it seems like a waste because if i were spending this time trying to make something then i would have more time to continue to do it. making things is good. is there any point to sitting in a decent job and just counting the days and the cash n my bank account until i have enough money to support myself while i try to write for a living? why shouldn't i just do it now?

i hate feeling like i'm not getting anything done.

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I know that feeling. It's why I quit my job, even though it was paying the rent... It's a terrible feeling, isn't it? I don't know how it is for you, but somehow, I think, this is my deepest fear-- wasting my life... Getting not one of the things I want to do done. I envy people who know exactly what to do with their lives and how.

What kind of books do you want to write? I've read some of your online texts (raindancer, brazen angels...), and they're breathtaking -- I love this assosiative way of writing/reading through hypertext. Once your site is back up "properly", I'll have to read the rest. Just now I'm browsing through your lyrics...

i didn't realize anyone actually *read* any of the text on my site. i'm so glad you like it.

the book i'm neglecting now is a retelling of cinderella for young teens; it's about storytelling and gender identity. i want to write books about each of her sisters as well, one stepsister who is really a fairy & who i'm intending to write a quest-story about, and one half-sister (half-fairy) who i want to write a fairy-tale version of the taming of the shrew based on beauty and the beast. all the books have another central character who is the daughter of a foreign storyteller & i may write about her finding a position as a court storyteller, too.

i also have several other kind of fantasy stories up my sleeve, a few plays, a screenplay based on hamlet and the manchurian candidate called "pigboy," and a charming book about a kid growing up in middle america whose mother thinks he is a superhero which i don't know that i'll finish ever.


I really like your texts, tea! "brazen angels" is so, so GOOD!

I'd really like to read that Cinderella book, it sounds so interesting... (Gender identity in "Cinderella"?) The one with the kid whose mother thinks he's a superhero sounds like a book I'd like to read, too. Hell, they all sound like books I'd like to read!

Sidenote: You really ARE very much influenced by Shakespeare, aren't you? Taming of the shrew, Hamlet...

'm obsessed with shakespeare. i've been reading shakespeare since i was seven and studying shakespeare since i was ten. besides the 2 stories i mentioned there, i also wrote a play that is supposedly will shakespeare's first play that he wrote at age thirteen (it's 80 pages of rhyming couplets called "cousin lucentio's wedding") and a few other shorter projects.


It's difficult not doing the one thing you really want to do while something else seems to take up all your time and energy. It is VERY difficult to be an adult (as I'm sure you know more than I) and there seem to be so many things that you have to do as opposed to things that you would like to do. It really makes you wonder... which ones are more worthwhile? Perhaps when you begin writing again, you'll do so well that going to work and writing will be the same thing.

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