If spam were true, I would have free airfare vouchers to anywhere in the contiguous 48 states and a cruise to Barbados.
If spam were true, that nice man from Nigeria would have given me many millions of dollars, tax-free, in an off-shore account.
If spam were true.
If spam were true, my penis would be both longer and thicker, and I would be able to engage in nonstop sex all the time. I would be able to attract many more women than I do now.
If spam were true, all the other parts of my body would be slimmer from many miracle weight loss solutions. I would have no wrinkles, and my own Bowflex.
The government would have money in my name, and I would have $50 gift cards to Best Buy, Target, KMart, Victoria's Secret, and Barnes & Noble. I would have longer, thicker, healthier hair, and all the Cialis I could ever want. People would care about whether I prefer Burger King or McDonalds, or whether I like Cherry Coke better than Doctor Pepper.
I would work from home, and I could make up to $40,000 a week. I would have a free Ipod, a free Playstation3, a free HDTV, and I would eat at The Olive Garden for free every night.
If spam were true, I would qualify for a home loan NOW, and bad credit wouldn't stop me! I would get 75% off on premium cigars and trips to Mexico. Microsoft would give me a variable amount of money for forwarding this email, and a little girl in Arkansas would have a new liver, and I would have season passes to Six Flags and special insider trading tips on the stock market.
But the NEA would have been shut down, its funding cut forever.
If spam were true.
I went to the Mets' game with my parents! It was fun, but man, it was a fast game. It took all of about 2 hours? The Mets completely destroyed the As. I took a lot of photos, as Shea is going byebye soon. We had great seats, and I had a delicious hot dog and beer. This part is true, and has nothing to do with spam. The guys next to us became My Father's Token Best Friends For The Night and offered to buy drinks for all of us. But my father kept mocking the guy who ordered the pinot grigio at the baseball game so...they made him drink pinot grigio, too. This is funnier if you know that my father? Does not drink. So it was all pretty hilarious.
Tomorrow is Wiimbledon! I'm not playing but Noah and Jay both are so I told them I'd go cheer them on. But Jay's match is at 11:20. So gah.