To the Editors of the Daily Prophet:
As many of you know, a Muggle biographer has written a very long and highly fictionalized account of the wizarding war which took place in the 1990s and culminated not only in the destruction of Voldemort but also in the death of Albus Dumbledore, who had been considered one of the most respected wizards of the age until his passing unearthed his collection of low-budget pornographic photos largely featuring former Hogwarts professor Filius Flitwick.
I was all set to simply give yet another pedantic, laudatory paean to Mr. Potter a pass until I got to the last chapter of her final tome in the series and was mortified by what I read. I have half a mind to sue this Rowling woman for defamation of character after reading the travesty that passes for an epilogue at the end of her so-called 'book.'
First off, I feel very strongly that she is continuing to propagandize the view that Slytherin House is somehow tainted and that those fine, upstanding men and women who were sorted into Slytherin as children are somehow less than those who might have been sorted into, dare I say it, more populist houses. I am highly offended by the suggestion that those of us who are privileged by happenstance of birth not only in monetary standing but also in the purity of our blood are lesser than any other graduates of Hogwarts. This is a theme that follows throughout the series and the only salvation of Slytherin House in terms of the novels is that at least we weren't depicted as a lot of mentally retarded lemmings like the Hufflepuffs were.
The epilogue is merely a culmination of this madness. Implicit in the statement that Mr. and Mrs. Potter would love their child just as much were he sorted into Slytherin is the suggestion that being sorted into Slytherin is somehow a failure that requires them to reassure their child in the first place.
Furthermore, the Weasleys are featured prominently in this chapter. While I recognize the necessity for them to be mentioned in this book at all, the suggestion that anyone should give a damn about what happened to them after the fact is baffling. One can easily presume that they continue to breed like unspayed rabbits. We do not need to be tormented by reading about them any longer than absolutely necessary. Just think of the disservice we do to future generations by preserving the horror that is the Weasleys.
I was also mortified to see a brief mention of myself, my wife, and my dear son Scorpius in this chapter. To hear Ms. Rowling write it, the very public, passionate, and ongoing romantic affair between myself and Mr. Potter never took place, and our relationship at present is amicable, if cool. This cheapens the deep intimacy that Mr. Potter and I have formed in the years since leaving Hogwarts, and institutionalizes a heteronormativity that is troubling to me as I try to raise Scorpius to be open to all kinds of families, especially being raised in a happily open marriage as he is.
Finally, and perhaps more importantly, I am absolutely not going bald and I feel that it is necessary to defend myself on this point. It just so happens that I had received a very bad haircut on the day I deposited Scorpius on the Hogwarts Express, and I am disgusted to see myself vilified in such a manner. Any proper biographer knows the importance of diligent fact-checking, and I am shocked that anyone, under any circumstances, would suggest that I have a receding hairline or that my hair is thinning in any way. I would like very much to hear what Ms. Rowling has to say for herself on this subject as it is well known, perhaps legendary that all Malfoys have excellent hair follicles and grow old with full, luxurious heads of hair. Bald! How dare you, Ms. Rowling?! How dare you? I would be remiss if I did not call for her retraction of this epilogue at once.