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Art! And a story
cap, captain miss america
teaberryblue
So, skirmish_of_wit posted a day or two ago about some WTFery goin' down in Sir Walter Ralegh's biography.

I copied these quotes from her. The first is from the Oxford Dictionary of National Biography:

"However apocryphal, Aubrey's raw tale of how Ralegh pleasured a scarcely reluctant maid of honour against the trunk of a convenient tree, gives a flavour of the man's power, and, ultimately, his weakness."

And then she searched down the Aubrey:

"[Ralegh] loved a wench well; and one time getting up one of the maids of honour up against a tree in a wood ('twas his first lady) who seemed at first boarding to be something fearful of her honour, and modest, she cried, 'Sweet Sir Walter, what do you ask me? Will you undo me? Nay sweet Sir Walter! Sweet Sir Walter! Sir Walter!' At last as the danger and the pleasure at the same time grew higher, she cried in the ecstasy 'Swisser Swatter Swisser Swatter.' She proved with child, and I doubt not but this hero took care of them both, as also that the product was more than an ordinary mortal."

So I thought it needed to be illustrated!


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SWEAR IN THE PRESENCE OF GREATNESS? THAT IS SIR WALTER RALEGH, YOUNG LADY, AND HE TAKES YOUR PROTESTATIONS AS A SIGN OF YOUR ATTRACTION TO HIS MANLINESS AND VIRILITY.

Fact: That baby grew up to be IMmortal. And one of his names? George Washington.

AND THEN HE WENT BACK IN TIME TO BE ALEXANDER THE GREAT.

HE HAS PARTED AND/OR REROUTED ALL THE RIVERS IN THE WORLD.

PLUS HE FATHERED SIR WALTER RALEGH. WHO IN TURN FATHERED HIM.

DUDE HE FUCKING ~*~INVENTED~*~ THE GRANDFATHER PARADOX

THAT IS HOW BADASS RALEGH'S SUPERSPERM IS

IT'S BECAUSE THOSE FIRST EUROPEAN POTATOES WERE MAGIC

THAT MADAME IS A TEMPORAL PARADOX. WHICH JUST PROVES HOW GODDAMN BAD-ASS WALTER RALEGH WAS AND IS.

Women dug his snuff and his gallant stroll.

Plus he had a pocket full of horses!

He'd save children. But not the British children.

Sir Walter was okay with saving the British children. After all, most of them were his bastards. The song still works if you replace British with Spanish for him, though.

But was he ten feet tall? With genitalias?

I love those passages! It makes me feel like I'm reading an old-timey gossip rag or something. Plus it sounds like the author was watching the whole time and taking notes XD

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