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LJ Idol, Topic 5: Bearing False Witness
cap, captain miss america
teaberryblue
There are two parts to my entry today. Because of that, I've placed them behind a cut.

The first is about a recent news item which many of you may have heard about. In case you have not, Ice-Skating Bear Kills Russian Circus Hand





Transcript

KILLER ICE-SKATING BEAR
Text decoration: Ice-skating bear in tu-tu.
Bear: Rar!

Panel 1: Bear in prison uniform
Bear: You have probably heard a lot about me, since I mauled my trainer to death.

Panel 2: Bear, with inset of bear imagining self as maniacal killing bear in tutu
Bear: But how to separate the truth from the lies? Am I really a vicious killing machine?

NO! I WILL TELL YOU THE TRUE STORY.

Panel 3: Bear's coach
Coach: BEAR!

Panel 4: Bear. Bear's tutu has a heart on it.
Bear: Yeah, coach?

Panel 5: Coach looks mad
Coach: What's this about your routine! We agreed you would do Rachmaninoff!

Panel 6: Bear is shrugging.
Bear: But I wanted to do "Shining Star," the modern classic by Earth, Wind, and Fire!

Panel 7: Coach looks pissed
Coach: How do you think you will do a TRIPLE LUTZ to Earth, Wind, and Fire?

Panel 8: Coach points in air.
Coach: I will not have any of that R&B American Billboard crap in my circus! No supper for you!

Panel 9: Bear jumps on coach, bites coach's head.
Bear: RAWR
Inset, in cursive: Shining star for you to see, what your life can truly be!

AND NOW YOU KNOW.



The second entry is a more personal story, about the time I made my bear a false witness.





Transcript

Black is the color of my SOUL (soul is in blackletter calligraphy)

Panel 1: picture of little Tea with Child Psychologist
When I was eight, they made me go to a child psychologist.
Psych: YOU ARE SPECIAL!
Tea: (thinking) Oh God, no.

Panel 2: Picture of Psychologist's shoes. One has a much thicker sole than the other.
She had scary shoes. I know now that she just had different-sized legs, but at eight, it was scary!

Panel 3: Picture of Psychologist sitting in a chair while Tea is holding an anatomically-correct male doll with an erect penis. Tea looks uncomfortable.
She made me talk about my feelings.
Psychologist: How does the naked daddy make you feel?

THEN, ONE DAY:

Panel 4: Psychologist, looking excited
Psychologist: Next week, why don't you bring in your favorite toy?

Panel 5: Tea looks wicked. She rubs her hands together.
Tea: Okay!
Tea: (thinking) Finally, Vengeance is mine! Take that, Naked Daddy!

Panel 6: Headless Toy Bear
I had this bear whose head could pop off very easily.

Panel 7: Tea is holding headless bear. Psychologist looks concerned.
Tea: This is my bear. He reminds me of my own mortality.

Panel 8: Tea, holding bear and grinning.
Tea: His name is "Momento Mori"

Panel 9: Tea, looking innocent.
Tea: That means, "remember you will die."

THEY NEVER SENT ME BACK AGAIN.


*dies* I LOVE THE FALSE WITNESS BEAR! That's the most brilliant idea I've seen yet.

I want one. I want one so badly.

Also: Finally, Vengeance is mine! Take that, Naked Daddy! must be the funnies line in a long time.

Edited at 2009-11-18 06:11 pm (UTC)

...I may still have him. If my parents didn't throw him out.

(Deleted comment)
When I first saw the article for the bear attack, I thought the title was most unfortunately amusing.

It really was. I almost did it last week for "current events."

1. I love the bear and his quest for Earth Wind and Fire.

2. Memento mori is terrifyingly adorable.

1) You can totally tell why he felt like it was a necessary evil to mail his trainer.

2) Memento Mori was really a girl. Named Ginger.

I left the same comment to hug_machine on her entry but I have to say it to you too:

You're so awesome.

I hope someday when I grow up I will be as awesome as hug_machine is. She is like awesome with candy on top.

And thank you!

Ahahaha, I can't decide which of these I love more. Ice skating bear is comedy gold, but Memento Mori bear is just . . . amazing. XD

Thanks! Originally I was just going to post one, but I couldn't make up my mind. I am glad I posted both.

These comics are all a lot of fun. I do hope you're thinking of printing a collection someday!

I certainly am, provided I can rationalize it.

I love evil plotting little Tea. She looks evil. And plotting.

She loves you back! And plots. Evilly.

Bwahahaha!

These are both great, but the second one almost made me spurt tea at the screen. XD

You were a prodigious kidlet, for real. Whereas Cat mebbe just learned what momento mori means from an LJ Idol entry a few weeks ago... >>;

Yay, thank you! The difference is that I knew big words, but I could not train unicorns to do my every whim like Cat could.

Great post. I love the bear having the bear witness. Ha!

I think those bears are all in cahoots or something.

Bears! I love little Tea going "Oh God No" at the beginning of "Black is the color of my Soul" I mean really, kids have the best BS meters of all.

Bears are so awesome! And thanks. It is funny how many times I remember convincing myself that something much have been right because a grown up was saying it, even though it seemed off to me. It's much more reassuring now that I know that grown-ups can be whackadoo!

Comics made of win!

Did they really show you a naked daddy doll with a huge erection? That sounds traumatizing!

It was a common practice with child therapists, especially when there was suspicion that the child had been sexually molested. Fascination with the genitalia was supposed to mean the kid had been unduly sexualized. Except that everyone stared at the giant, misshapen genitals on those dolls, because they were so scary and out of proportion and massive and dominating of the entire doll that it was obviously the point of the whole thing.

Do you have any idea why they made you go to the psychologist? Was there a teacher with a special interest or something? It seems strange for your parents to just up and decide to send you to some wacky lady... and then unleash you on her.

I do not have the faintest idea! I know I was off the charts on IQ tests but extremely behind on social development (think Hermione Granger, but younger). I also had a fixation with putting things in my mouth and tasting everything I saw that lasted way longer than oral fixations usually last. So it could have been any of those things!

Oh, how I wish I could have come up with something like that to deal with the Evil School Counselor of Doom when I was 12.

I just kind of lucked into it! I also think it would be harder with a school counselor because they get to make your life hell until you change schools.

I like that your psychologist's boobs are really saggy. I also like your bears!

Thanks! She did have saggy boobs.

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