This entry is for the topic "Current Events" and thus has to deal with a suject in recent current events. I chose to look at this article about how Harvard University was granted Federal stimulus money to build robot bees and study narwhal tusks. This is an issue that is very near and dear to my heart so I hope you will all appreciate my thoughts on the subject.
Again this week, our topics had to intersect with another current LJ Idol contestant. My partner in Federal stimulus abuse crime was emo_snal, and I recommend you read his post first to get a proper grounding in the subject before diving in to my post. His post is here.
And now, without further ado,
So there I was, minding my own beeswax (no pun intended), when suddenly, there was this clanging sound coming from behind a mysterious door decorated with giant honeycombs!
This man dressed entirely in a white suit who sort of looked like those evil dudes at the end of ET: The Extra Terrestrial came out of nowhere! And he was covered in this freaky veil shit. It was like Darth Vader Gets Married! He laughed this cray freaking laugh, "MU HA HA HA!" And he's all, like "BEHOLD!" and he shouted and held his hands up in the air. Crap.
So like, you can tell this dude is evil, right? But I didn't know how evil. Because the door opens and there's a freaking ARMY OF GIANT ROBOT BEES. ROBOT BEES. And they're all buzzing, but they're not just buzzing, they're TALKING. TALKING GIANT ROBOT BEES. What are they saying? They're saying "DEEZTROY!"
And this dude is just standing there in his weird freaky white suit, holding a cup of coffee, and that's when I realize, he looks just like THIS DUDE from emo_snal's LiveJournal, who can also be seen drinking coffee here!
I was totally like WTF. But the dude was talking. He said, "I built them using Federal stimulus money! Imagine!"
And this kind of pissed me off because I don't see how building armies of robot bees is injecting cash in to the economy. Do you? Why the hell did this guy get money from the government to build his evil robot bee army? It's not like it created any jobs...except for jobs FOR THE ROBOT BEES. Who are probably taking jobs away from hardworking Americans who would be HAPPY to have a job in an Army of Evil, I bet.
So then somebody I don't recognize shouts, "Hey! Where did Dave get coffee?"
But the bee army is advancing fast, and they look angry. And keep going "DEEZTROY!" so I am like, uhh, and then somebody else is like, "Who cares, RUM!" But then I realized he didn't say "RUM," he said "RUN!" So I start to run.
And the bees are still all "DEEZTROY!" And I am running running...oh shit, I am so out of shape. Running! Running. And then I realize I have no fucking clue where I am! Where am I? I don't know! I'm in, like, this giant BEE CAVE. Sort of like the one emo_snal works at. Except, like, he lives on the OPPOSITE COAST from me.
Then, all of a sudden, there is this cray SWELL OF MUSIC THAT COMES OUT OF NOWHERE HOLY CRAP:
Except instead of sounding like a full orchestra, it sounds like THOUSANDS OF BUZZING BEES and the air is totally full of bees! Bees, bees, everywhere! And tiny dirigibles outfitted like pirate ships! I kid you not! And then I take a closer look and these are not just ANY bees! No, these bees are the salt of the sea, the dreaded PIRATE BEES who brave the ocean deep in search of adventure and pirate honey!
But the robot bees are still advancing! The might pirate bees shout out a lusty "BZARGH!"
The only problem is that the pirate bees are, like, teeny compared to the robot bees, who are, you know, GIANT ROBOT BEES. "Bzuh-oh!" they say, and we all retreat, on the backs of bees, to a mighty fortress on the water, which technically looked like a medieval stone tower ON TOP OF A PIRATE SHIP. Which ALSO looks curiously like THIS PICTURE which happens to be where emo_snal lives! This is getting to be too much coincidence for one person, I think! Someone shouts, "Back to the Citadel of Fortitude!"
On the way to the Citadel of Fortitude, a sleek narwhal peeked its head out of the water. It looked concerned. "Friends!" it called. "What is wrong?" I called to the narwhal. "Narhwhals!" I called. "Can you help us defeat the robot bees?!"
The narwhal looked concerned. "We narwhals are noble and good," it said. "But we hate the misuse of Federal stimulus money!" This was no surprise to me, as I had recently learned about how Federal stimulus money had been used to study the horns of these beautiful creatures.
And thus it came to pass that a mighty battle was fought between the robot bees and narwhal kind. The narwhals fought valiantly, revealing their long-secret natural defense mechanisms, the combustible jet pack and the high-powered automatic rifle, with which they blasted many of the robot bees to smithereens.
What I totally didn't know, though, was that at this very moment, deep in the bowels of the Bee Cave, a happy anthropomorhic cocktail had accidentally tripped and fallen into a vat connected to a massive and menacing machine!
And when it did, suddenly, the robot bees started...acting funny. They were stumbling around, disoriented, and talking about how wasted they had been at Brad's party. I have no idea who the hell Brad is, I am sorry to say.
"Hey," said one of the narwhals. "What is wrong with the bees?"
"I..." I said. "I think they're drunk."
"HAI GUYZZZ!" buzzed one of the bees. "I found a karaoke machine!"
Now, the music started again!
And the bee who was hogging the microphone started to sing: "Just a small town girl...livin' in a lonely world..."
"What the fuck!" I said. I mean, the robot bees went from trying to kill us to rocking out to the sweet, sweet riffs of Journey!
"Strangers...waiting..." sang the bee. Suddenly, out of nowhere, there was a "POINK!" sound, and, if my earlier premonitions hadn't been enough, emo_snal appeared out of nowhere! He looked kinda disoriented. Also, he had awesome muttonchops.
"In the ni-iii-iii-iii-iiight!" sang the bee.
"Kris!" I called. "Hi!"
"Tea!" he exclaimed, as he recognized me. "The most terrible thing just happened to me!"
"What the hell is a 'streetlight people'?" asked the narwhal. Which is probably the most important question of all.
DON'T STOP BEE-LIEVIN', people. Don't ever stop.
This entry was written for therealljidol Week 13: LJ Idol Week 13: Current Events
This round is also an Intersection! My partner is emo_snal. You can read his post on "Who's that Trip Trapping Over My LJ?" HERE