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Lj Idol, Week 16
cap, captain miss america


For the visually impaired

Since the dawn of time, gods have kind of been ASSHOLES. I mean, look at Zeus, out there disguising himself as animals and impregnating unsuspecting virgins.

Thing about how pretty much every religion has a god or multiple gods telling you not to do this, not to do that, you have to follow these rules. And the fasting! What is up with the fasting? I mean, say you're Catholic, and you go to the delicious Burger Shack on a Friday afternoon. There is the voice of God, being all, "SINNER!"

And say you're Jewish. No pork. No shellfish. NO HAM AND CHEESE. And to make matters worse, once a year you can't have bread for a whole week. But luckily, Yahweh found it in His power to give you this bland, crunchy shit that is almost palatable if you smother it in chocolate.

Muslims? Oh, yeah. Lucky you. A whole freaking MONTH of fasting from dawn till dusk.

Even Hindus don't get to eat delicious cows.

Are you fed up yet? Because I have a way to end all that! Keep reading!

Are you sick of giving shit up just because some GOD says so?

Do you want to achieve spiritual enlightenment without giving up earthly pleasures like Marshmallow Peeps and stuffed crust pizza?

I think you do! And now there is a way:


As the Divine Goddess of the Magnificent Way of the Holy Chicken, I will let everyone in on the secrets of the universe, so long as you follow my one simple rule:


Even the chickens agree with a resounding Bucaw!

Face it. Gods in most major religions have been dropping the ball for thousands of years. But under my benevolent divine hand, we would have no more HOLY WARS. Actually, no more wars ever. Or cold sores.

Everybody would be my chosen people.

I would cast my holy blessing down on everybody's marriage, and snipping off the end of your penis to show loyalty to me would be totally voluntary!


So if you like my divine vision of the perfect universe, remember that I need YOU to help make it happen! Your faith and devotion are needed to make me an omnipotent and infallible holy presence!


For your convenience, I have made you this handy card. Print it out and keep it in your wallet in case of emergencies so people will know your religious preference

I am a chicken. In case of emergency, please call Tea. And give me brownies.

This entry was written for therealljidol Week 16: Breaking the Fast

You're the best ever. I say this every week, and it becomes more and more true. I love these so much.

Next week I am posting badly-written haiku.

-smile- One follower as ordered, ma'am.

Excellent! I will bestow my heavenly blessing on you!

Luckily I think it's OK to poke fun at religion if you're doing it to all the major ones ;)

That is good! Because I like to poke fun at everything!

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I can think of no situation that card would not improve.

Perhaps one where the brownies are stale.

This is HILARIOUS! I had to interrupt my husbands video gaming to read it to him. He must have thought I was crazy sitting over here laughing for 10 minutes before I did :-p

Aw, thank you so much! Make sure your husband knows that he is welcome in my church as well!

I am a chicken, baby!!! Must print must print must print must print!!! *panic* Oh noes! I am out of colored ink!!!!!!


Oh, oh, can I make a small request? very small!

Can you clean up the mess we silly humans made?

And send some printer ink?


Oh no! Well, it's not really high-res enough for a good print job anyway.

Once I get my omnipotence, first thing on the agenda is global warming. However when I replace the polar icecaps the way they were, they will be blue raspberry snowcone flavored.

Then I will work on war. I am thinking that the easiest way to solve this is to turn anyone who tries to start a war into a delicious buttered pretzel.

And then I will send you some printer cartridges.


I patiently await my unicorn in paradise!

I like to imagine that deities wait around, snickering, for humans to make the "oops, oh crap" face during fasting times.

I do not doubt they do!

You will be bestowed with many unicorns and a gigantic sheepdog to ride.


Sign me up, baptize me now.

We don't baptize our followers! We take them to a delicious waffle breakfast and give them a pedicure.

i am already a principle member of the church of bodily pleasures, otherwise i'd join up.

That is okay, too! We embrace all religions!

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...Can I make this into an icon? The part up until being a douchebag.

...I don't know if it's possible but it would be amazing to spread the word!

Hilarious!!!! Absolutely hilarious!

...We practise HEN Buddhism ourselves, but it's comforting to know others realize the awesomeness of the chicken.

The Chicken's Almighty Power is felt in many ways!

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Excellent! Today only, worshipping me comes with a free magazine subscription! Would you like Sports Illustrated, Bon Appetit, or Vogue?

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