THE END TIMES ARE UPON US.
ARE YOU READY?
WHO WILL YOU LOOK TO IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED?
For the visually impaired
Since the dawn of time, gods have kind of been ASSHOLES. I mean, look at Zeus, out there disguising himself as animals and impregnating unsuspecting virgins.
Thing about how pretty much every religion has a god or multiple gods telling you not to do this, not to do that, you have to follow these rules. And the fasting! What is up with the fasting? I mean, say you're Catholic, and you go to the delicious Burger Shack on a Friday afternoon. There is the voice of God, being all, "SINNER!"
And say you're Jewish. No pork. No shellfish. NO HAM AND CHEESE. And to make matters worse, once a year you can't have bread for a whole week. But luckily, Yahweh found it in His power to give you this bland, crunchy shit that is almost palatable if you smother it in chocolate.
Muslims? Oh, yeah. Lucky you. A whole freaking MONTH of fasting from dawn till dusk.
Even Hindus don't get to eat delicious cows.
Are you fed up yet? Because I have a way to end all that! Keep reading!
Are you sick of giving shit up just because some GOD says so?
Do you want to achieve spiritual enlightenment without giving up earthly pleasures like Marshmallow Peeps and stuffed crust pizza?
I think you do! And now there is a way:
As the Divine Goddess of the Magnificent Way of the Holy Chicken, I will let everyone in on the secrets of the universe, so long as you follow my one simple rule:
Even the chickens agree with a resounding Bucaw!
Face it. Gods in most major religions have been dropping the ball for thousands of years. But under my benevolent divine hand, we would have no more HOLY WARS. Actually, no more wars ever. Or cold sores.
Everybody would be my chosen people.
I would cast my holy blessing down on everybody's marriage, and snipping off the end of your penis to show loyalty to me would be totally voluntary!
So if you like my divine vision of the perfect universe, remember that I need YOU to help make it happen! Your faith and devotion are needed to make me an omnipotent and infallible holy presence!
I am a chicken. In case of emergency, please call Tea. And give me brownies.
This entry was written for therealljidol Week 16: Breaking the Fast